Updated: Aug 12, 2020
Tantric Tools for Healthy Vibrant Relationships
In the recent past, I experienced friction in relationship with my Beloved. I thought I was already well equipped with all the tools for embodiment to "Make Love in the Unknown" (a tantric tool that Ill expand upon later). Yet, friction still came up when faced with opposing views, which caused myself and my Beloved to get defensive, which turned into a downward spiral of misunderstanding, hurt feelings and heartache. Who else has experienced this? (Yeh, you too?!) Though with the practice of the tools outlined in this post, we have been able to swim our way our of these treacherous waters and have been sailing smoothly since. It would not be realistic to say we will never have another misunderstanding, though through the practice of these tools, I'm able to return to love with greater ease and in lesser time. (It just gets easier, sticking with the practices) Relationships are what bring meaning to life and it is most important to me to develop them, having forgiveness and compassion and presence for myself and others, in order to live Heaven on Earth. In this post I speak about my learnings with my Beloved, though the things Im sharing are not limited to romantic relationships and can be applied to relationships with family, friends, colleagues, and strangers.
I have been studying a Tantric way of life for several years now. Recently I enrolled in Laurie Handlers' and Briana Cribeyer's cohort on Sex & Happiness. Along with that we are reading Laurie's book "Sex & Happiness, The Tantric Laws of Intimacy".
According to Laurie, the tantric laws of intimacy include: Make Love in the Unknown, Be Your Own Witness, Please Yourself, Emotional Release, Honor Your Anger, Speak Your Truth, Set Your Boundaries, The Mirror of Your Beloved, Full Contact Confrontation, and Surrender.
The timing of this course is perfect for me (divinely orchestrated)! We have only touched on the first few laws of the book in our cohort thus far, though I have read through most of the book and already its leading me into a more joyful, harmonious way living with Self and my Beloved each and every day!
I have practiced Being My Own Witness to my experience for atleast 4 years now. I noticed when faced with something that "threatened" who I thought I was, I became inflamed with defensive behavior. Being your own witness means seeing yourself clearly, without judgement. I exercise my practice to bring objective awareness to my thoughts, and what myself and others say or do without judgement. The practice of witnessing will never cease, though as my practice continues, I foster more spiritual growth and intimacy through compassion for the inner critique or judge within myself and others.
I have, what I feel, is a healthy Self Pleasure practice. I experience all of life as "sexual" or creative energy and live a tantric life, making love to all things I taste, touch, see, smell, feel and sense. We each possess a unique variation of masculine and feminine qualities. Recognizing my energetic quality being dominantly feminine, I can appreciate and value the strong masculine quality my Beloved embodies which nourishes a passionate life together. No matter how passionate the love I experience with my Beloved, it is vitally important to invest in things for myself that are important and meaningful to me, my creative self expression and my own pleasure. Nourishing myself, by honoring my truth, setting healthy boundaries and making request, I inherently nourish the energy that I bring to the relationship.
I have consciously practiced Emotional Release for over 2 years, since my first ISTA training, and have since thought that Ive been current with my emotional body. Though as my Beloved reflected to me the observations he noticed, I realized I had not Honored my Anger that had been repressed in my being, regarding the abuse my mother was subjected to, that inevitably effected the way I was raised. He then held space for me to do the emotional release that I needed in order to let go of the residue of the past, which in turn allowed me to step more authentically into the way that I desire to deepen intimacy in our relationship. Whether I am experiencing an acute moment of emotional distress or not, I feel it to be essentially important (especially in this era) to do regular emotional release practices. By making this part of my regular health and wellness routine, Im able to detox any residue from the past that could inhibit my ability to show up for myself or my relationships with deep presence. I experience this bringing deeper intimacy, trust and authentic expression into all areas of life.
The act of Speaking Your Truth, I realized is subjective and that my truth is not the same as anyone else's truth. There were things I had lied to myself about (thought they were "my truth") because I unknowlingly thought their were parts of me that were unlovable. The act of claiming those parts of me, as my own, is also what I need in order to grow from old belief systems about myself that no longer serve me. These parts are ready to evolve and grow beyond my limited thought systems. When I speak my truth, I cannot control the way my Beloved responds to my revelations. Though for deep intimacy, it is vital that I share as things arise with courageous vulnerability.
Setting My Boundaries is also a conscious practice Ive been implementing over 2 years now. I've noticed though, that when one party is not exposed to the language of setting boundaries, in some cases it may be received a barrier or a wall to intimacy. Boundaries are intended to show where the gateway is, to enter a space of intimate connection together. When my boundaries are not honored I feel disrespected. If I dont stand up for my boundaries, I am then harming myself. I notice this when I have any feelings of resentment come up. Thats the strongest indication there is a boundary that needs to be addressed. Its not helpful to take my Beloved's boundaries personally and visa versa. We know that we each can honor our own needs for autonomy and sovereignty, enabling a healthy interdependence. Each individual is the guardian of their own boundaries and once that is established, our bodies will inform us when our boundaries are crossed. The mind may play tricks on us, though the body never lies. That is the moment we can inform our Beloveds the noticing and how they can honor and our unique set of boundaries ... which can and will change throughout relationship.
Tantric intimacy is inclusive of all aspects of the self, dark and light. There is no "right" or "wrong". In tantra, "It just IS". The Mirror of My Beloved, is relationship experienced as a reflection and indication of my own patterns that need resolution. Often the things that activate (trigger) me, are the exact things that I need to work on. Go figure! My greatest responsibility to the way I show up for my Beloved, is how I show up for myself! If I get upset about something, its up to me to take a closer look, become my own witness and see what patterns were activated in me that do not serve the relationship that I want to have. Its not easy, though its well worth the passionate intimacy that can be cultivated through this work.
Surrender has long been seen as a negative thing, a sign of defeat, or losing a battle. Surrender in the context to spiritual development is simply to let go of the need to "win", or to be "right". Release the grasping to way things are "supposed" to look like or how things are "supposed" to go. By grasping onto love having to look a certain way, authenticity and intimacy are inhibited from actually being developed. Grasping is a form of fear of the unknown. When I (small self) grasp, I control the experience, contracting the passage of divine experience to flow in my life. Change is inevitable, and by letting go of attachments, creative energy surges through all aspects of my life. This enables experiences that are far beyond what my mind could have thought up on its own. This is an act of letting go, for energy to flow with the course of miracles. I believe everyone has experienced suffering of some kind, and everyone has come through suffering feeling some sense of support from a higher power or purpose. If we can remember in moments of fear or grasping, that we are always supported by a higher power, we can surrender to the power of love in all relationships.
Release the constructs that inhibit your soul from merging with life vibrantly!
May you all feel peace and happiness within yourself and all your relationships!
If you'd like to dive deeper into some of these concepts or would like some one on one support, set up a Discovery Call, and let's embark on this Tantric Journey together, empowering you for a Healthy, Happy, Vibrant Life!