WOPP! I got it alright. A hot poker in the ass and a slap in the face (metaphorically)! A clear awakening to my unknown dissociative behavior, announced by my mother. All the moments of confusion from the loves of my life, including my mother, had been urging me to see something that I was completely blind to.
Its difficult to know where to begin. I will start by saying that I recall many moments where I was afraid of forgetting beautiful moments in my life and would diligently record them so as to never forget. Why was I so scared to forget such memorable beauty? Its because there was a part of me that was completely disassociated from reality. I remember priding myself on keeping secrets with my friends and now I know its because those secrets would simply get forgotten. It would take people telling me an important story multiple times before I could actually remember it.
I can see how all of the exploration Ive done into shamanic healing, plant medicine, somatic awareness, reiki, massage and so much more-has prepared me to handle this, to heal it and reclaim my life again. I can also see how all of my studies up until now has been an attempt to heal a wound I could not see. I just cant believe that I have not come to realize this sooner! With all the work I have done, I thought I had healed the past traumas, and thought I was completely current with myself!
I am so grateful for the people in my life who have held space for me whether they saw this elusive character oversight or not. The love and acceptance Ive received in my life is overwhelming, and yet this elusive demon was hiding in plain sight. I have always been someone that has tried to do my very best. I saw the errors my family made in my childhood and learned what not to do through witnessing that unhealthy behavior. Yet I did not see how I used disassociation as a coping mechanism to get through the pain that I experienced throughout my childhood, and my former marriage, up until now!
Now before I go further, I feel its important to share what disassociation even looks like for me in my life. In my case, I had trouble with complete recall. I could share a story, thinking I was sharing its entirety, but it was only fragments. Then I remember something more and share that and be questioned if I was telling the truth. I would share my past mistakes and would express no regret. I would even proclaim that I had no regrets and was not sorry for my past behavior. I would light heartedly say “Im not sorry I did that, I did that and it wasn’t a mistake, because it got me to where I am today.” And in part that is true, those actions did get me to where I am today, however if I never thought it was a mistake then I would have never changed the action in order to get here. So I had neglected the feeling part of the story, the sense of remorse that caused me to change in the first place. When I say this I can wholeheartedly say that I did some things that were not in alignment with my values, however Im deeply grateful for the feeling of regret in those moments for catalyzing myself to choose differently moving forward.
Towards the end of my divorce I asked people to call me by a different name (Ellie). I then allowed myself the liberty to discover myself, free from an unhealthy codependent relationship. In the past 5 years I have felt more myself than ever. However, I realize perhaps my need to be called a new name was an attempt to reclaim the self that remained disassociated. I have come closer than ever before, I feel this may have been the missing link to reclaiming all parts of myself, and fully step into Radical Self Love With Awareness! It may be that I ask to be called my birth name, Melissa again…tbd.
Whats interesting, is I have great insight to see when other people are out of touch with in themselves. In the past few years Ive been someone who likes to track her own shadows. However, up until now had still neglected to see my own wounding. I think I had poorly convinced some of the people closest to me of this strong, empowered sheath I wore. Now I feel like Ill be embarking upon the process of actually embodying this. As soon as I discovered this truth, I immediately went on a youtube wormhole of videos to heal this behavior. As soon as Im aware of something I am the first to claim that shit and work it out. I realize this is gunna be quite a journey. This may be my biggest challenge yet. However, Ive been preparing for this and ready to face the demons and reclaim the feelings that got left behind.
I share this story because, as the self-identified person that has done as much “work” and personal development/empowerment as I have, this disassociated behavior remained a demon in plain sight. And I feel that it is what keeps humanity from reclaiming our balanced relationship with Earth. If I have been disassociated from myself and my experience, what parts of my responsibility to the land have I neglected, for the future generations to resolve. If I can reclaim all parts of myself, I can reclaim my ability to respond to the needs of humanity and the Earth’s call. This feels like my life’s work and this feels like it may be true for many of us, especially in the self-help, personal/spiritual empowerment movement.
Ive not really been much of a person to claim the word “Goddess”, however this term gets thrown around a lot. I feel like that is another term that disconnects us from our humanity. If we proclaim “Goddess” status, how present are we with our duty as human beings to live responsible lives? By responsible, I mean “able to respond”. Able to respond to the problems that all humans are in predicament with. The dissonance with the natural rhythms of nature. We are nature, yet due to our disconnection and disassociation, we do not act as responsible as we could. When we re-member ourselves (I thought I knew what that meant, now it has a much deeper meaning), we return to our nature. I will return to the Self that I have forgotten and perhaps never had a chance to feel safe to be in this world. By returning to my own nature, fully associated and integrated, connected to myself and my surroundings, I feel this deep sense of harmony that will arise within my heart, the earth, my relationships.
Even visionary art is disassociated! As much as I love visionary art, it does not remind me of my place on Earth. It takes me out of this world. All we have is here and now. Let us nurture our souls, reclaim the lost parts, and feel the feelings left behind. For This Life is the One we Came to Alive!
This is all coming from someone who just yesterday thought she was connected to herself, her environment, healthy and happy with fulfilling relationships. Perhaps you feel this way too. I can only imagine the depth I will experience from here forward! I invite you to ask yourself how connected are you with reality? With your feelings? With the impact of your actions? With the meaning of your intentions? With the knowledge you seek? Earlier this year, I made a half assed vow to not invest in any books, workshops or advanced education next year. Especially these past five years, Ive been on this wheel of desire to learn and understand more. I cant say I will follow through with this vow, however I realize more and more that I am already equipped with the tools and skills I need to live the life I love. I am already loving in my life. I am already loved in my life. I have everything I need and in fact I could get rid of a few things.
Thank you for reading. It is meaningful for me to share, as it enables me to grasp my own reality better and I trust that it will land with whomever it is meant to.
In deep gratitude, reverence and service to the meaning of life!
May Peace Be With You